Surrealism - Anger and Frustration
“This is crazy… how many times must I repeat it?!”
Madness all round… I crumpled up the log sheet that I had prepared for the experiment. “All Trash! These are all Trash!!!” as anger just well up in me. I have been frustrated for so long already. Three weeks ago, some champion had broken all my probe pins. Then they never stop the machine properly and never return it to its original position. I scratched my precious samples just because of their mistakes. Then the following week, the configuration of the machine had been changed and no one told us about it. I had thought all the good work that I’ve done is pretty interesting; kind of a new finding for our field of study. Then someone told us the configuration is all wrong! My goodness, it must have been the jinx of my group. Our entire group’s work had gone down the drain. Another two week’s of work gone... Today, I had been really meticulous with my work. I planned so well for the testings… and the samples screwed me up by dying at the most unearthly moment. And the other sample just kept on giving me multiple crazy results. I left the lab ‘early’, decided to end this miserable day.
It’s a crazy early morning. I knew it’s going to be all wrong when I couldn’t hear my alarm. Woke up sneezing… the cold of the winter is really giving me one hell of a time. And that was one plus hour before my designated time of awakening. Tried pulling my blanket over me… unfortunately the cold was faster then me. My lungs were screaming… I was in a semi-conscious state when I fell asleep again. When the actual wake up time came along, I heard a soft distant sound instead. Somehow, I had set the alarm to be pretty soft. It’s of one those days, you just knew, everything’s going to be way wrong…
I couldn’t find my mittens and scarf. “Where the hell are they? Where the HELL are they?!” the thought just kept on repeating in my mind. The last place I looked was my laundry basket. I had forgotten to wash them over the weekend… they had been soiled over the weekend when I went out for a walk by the frozen Carlisle River. Absent-mindedness seems to be settling in pretty well these days. Not much of a choice… I went off with my neck exposed and hands deeply in my winter jacket. I was really in a sorry state when I reached the lobby. I probably had the most unhappy aura around me. I saw Angeline at the lobby. Angeline is one of the sweet girls in the block. Seems like she is a little late like me, the only difference is, she is frequently late. Most of the time seeing her smiles can really lift my mood. But not today it seems. She gave me a smile; unfortunately I just couldn’t reciprocate it with a “Good Morning” or a smile. Firstly, there was nothing good about the morning at all, and secondly, it’s probably easier for me to kill someone then to smile at that moment. I had completely forgotten how to smile at that moment. A nod was all I managed, and I stood slightly behind her. Same happened in the lift. No words, no goodbyes exchanged when she left first. It’s definitely of those days.
First bad thing to happen… I got chased out of another department as their equipment owners are not there yet. All my planning for the work to be done, my schedules, my datelines… all gone down the drain. Following that is Patrick not reading him mails, further worsening the matter. So much for contingencies… then I saw Angeline again… is it some resentment I had for her deep in me that really made me behaved so, I aren’t sure too. I just felt the same uneasiness when I saw her again. It’s those ‘I just don’t feel like seeing her’ days. Oh well… some things in life can never be explained.
I looked at my list of contacts. Somehow not one had come into my mind as the person I’ll find to grumble about. I’ll probably find TS later in the day. He had gone off to do some other research preparations in another lab. Probably would rant to him on how things are going wrong. And he probably would tell me everything is about the same like this. Even Patrick couldn’t solve the problems I’m facing. The randomness of how research goes at times does frustrate people. But to face the tirade of smashed up pins, mis-configured machine, unreliable samples, plans screwing up, schedule tighten, dateline closing… its just like a dam waiting to burst.
Stared out of the window by the cafeteria. Slowly I sipped the coffee in my hands. And soon I slipped into stoning mode. Still as a rock I was, until someone broke that mental paralysis. She’s Snow, a bubbly and lively lady. She is a person who always intrigues me. She can be the most kiddish girl this moment and a mature thinking lady the other. And she is either overly happy or overly melancholic. An extreme person? Maybe… Oh yes, she is from the HR department. They need bubbly people like her to entice more poor research people like me in. packaging of the company is in their hands. She tapped me on the shoulders, and what greeted her was my cold and emotionless gaze. “Are you alone? Alright?” once again, all I can manage is a nod. No, there was an improvement. I managed a weak smile as well. She seems to know what I meant, “Take care!” and off she went to join her colleagues. I carried on my lifeless gaze into space…
I regained my consciousness when ZJ called out to me. We are supposed to be going to a seminar, and it’s almost about time already. “What’s wrong with you? You look so dazed.” I merely shrug my shoulders and walked off with him. “The research project? Things do get tough don’t they?” he said in the most matter-of-fact way. I managed another shrug of my shoulders. Halfway through the seminar I fell asleep. Not that I do that very often. In fact, I’ve almost never fell asleep in any seminars, no matter how boring it is. Probably this time round, with all the mental and physical stress, plus the mood, I couldn’t care any less.
“Hey, it’s over already.” ZJ woke me up. “You better head home… you look horrible. And you have that aura around you again. I can feel it.” I nodded… I grabbed my gear, and bought myself another scarf and pair of mittens in the shop by the building. I looked into the sky overhead. Its all dark and grey today, and not a single sight of falling snow. And not a single passerby on the street…
It’s an empty day… and it’s over…
Surrealism - Passion and Obession
“Why? Why me?”
I looked out of the windows of my lab. And I took a long sip from my cup of coffee. It’s another one of those days, where you wish you were somewhere else. I looked at the clock: 7.19pm. It’s the kind of time where you would wish to be spending with your loved ones. Having dinner, walking down town, catch a movie, grab a drink and spend some quality time in front of the fireplace. Or maybe by oneself, catch a Friday show at the theatre near Effendro Street, stroll around the music shop for a DVD or a catchy album, sit beside the fireplace with a nice book and a warm coffee. But here I am, looking at extredo simulations, bursting the capillaries in my eyes. Work commitments…
I saw a couple walking down by 7th street. The guy is following the girl, somehow in a pleading way. Then the girl stopped in her tracks. The guy stopped too. They stood there for a minute or so, right under the falling snow. Then in a split second, the girl turned and slapped the guy! I almost choked on my coffee… I stood up and walked closer to the side of the window. Hey… they look familiar… think the lady is from the office next door… what’s her name again? I just stood there and snapped my fingers for a moment. Yesh! It’s Qing! She used to be in the same group as us a few years ago. But she chose another career path and our liaison ended there. She is an independent lady, very strong willed and determined.
They are one of the longest running couple that I’ve known. And even then each pair of couples has their own ups and downs. And a slap seems to signal something serious… I wouldn’t want to speculate too much, first because it’s their personal lives and second, speculation won’t get me the truth anyway. “The guy cheated on her. Twice actually…” it’s ZJ speaking. The three of us started in this company together. ZJ and I stayed on while Qing went off to find greener pastures. That’s where she got to know her current beau. I’ve heard a little about him from the colleagues around and didn’t really have a good impression of him. But it’s Qing’s choice, so we have to respect it. But we do keep a look out for her at times, just in case she really needs us someday. And seems like the day is getting nearer…
“Girls just fall for jerks, don’t they?” I kind of mumbled to myself. “Yes, they do…” was the reply. It wasn’t from my brain, it was from ZJ. Someone once told me about how ladies have the kind of angel mentality, where they hope that they can ‘reform’ the wayward character in those jerks. In the end, not only did they not do that, they hurt themselves in the process. Bravery twenty; broken heart twenty. And she is such a great girl… it’s really sad to see how much they deserved a great guy to take good care of them, but instead falling prey to such evilness, pitching their love to these creeps. If heaven is benevolent, I really hope Qing will never fall again. I’ve seen her fallen not once, not twice, but three times. Your heart just breaks when you see such things happen again and again…
And not just her, I’ve seen this happen over and over to so many people. All I can do is to help them as much as I can. Advise them again and again, though I know feelings and emotions are overwhelming at time. Be there for them when they fall again. Hold on to them and help them stand up again. Pray hard for them that they will meet the right one the next time round. Lastly, keep my fingers crossed. I’ll do my very best; the rest is up to them. Fate and Destiny.
That scene got me pretty distracted from my work. I left her a message on her cell since she didn’t responded. Tried again after another hour, same response. Well… I wasn’t in the mind to do work anymore, so I left the lab pretty soon after. I didn’t want to go back home so early, since my mind was roaming somewhere to the depths of infinity. I just walked down 7th street, and came up to the local chill out area. I got myself a seat at the bar of NeoTrinity and ordered a martini. “What’s bothering you tonight dude?” Oyo asked in his usual Yankee accent. “Nay… nothing. Just some disappointing stuff.” I answered with a tinge of despondence. He knew what I wanted; a pat on my back, a smile and he left me alone with my drink. I just sat there and think…
Sometimes I just get sad over things that I can’t have control over. Maybe I am at times too concern over my friends, to the point where I can forget about myself. I feel their joy, their pain, their happiness, their suffering. Seems like Heaven gave me a Heart, and I’m using it the way Heaven might be proud of. Or maybe too much. In life, almost everything needs a balance. My emotions and feelings are flowing out way too much at times. Maybe that’s why I am feeling so vulnerable at times. Work is taxing on the mind and the physical entity too… I’m being pounded from all available ways. I sure hope I can cope with everything and turn out stronger… and some day I must learn to control myself more… indeed…
“Time to go dude, its 2am already. Your martini managed to survive this time round.” He ended that statement with the most brotherly smile. That’s what friends are for isn’t it? They just know when to be there, and say the right things at the right time.
“You too dude, take care!” I replied together with a wave from my hand as I walked out of the front door. The night is chilly again. I can almost feel my breath freeze the moment it leaves my mouth… it’s a slow walk home from now…
Surrealism - The Beginning
“No! No! No, Please No!”
And I feel a sharp jolt of pain in my eyes… it’s already morning, and somehow a ray of light had managed to escape from my almost fully drawn curtains. Damn it… I looked at my bedside clock. 6.15am. damn it, time to wake up. I got off the bed, and was greeted by the stone cold marble floor of mine. My right leg had gone numb. “chuuuu! Ah chuuuuu!” the sneezes went. The cold had sneaked into my system again. Winter in my city is always freezing. I squint my eyes and looked out… its white… just white, nothing else. The forecast was sub zero degrees, and seems like the weather had a good time. It was minus fourteen degrees celcius. “chuuuu!” franticly rub my right leg to life and grabbed my robe. It IS freaking cold!
My toilet seat was freezing cold, real cold. Luckily my butt never got stuck onto it. I had forgotten to turn on the seat warmer. Damn again… managed to get the water flowing to brush and wash my face. Had my first cup of coffee and a few tomatoes for breakfast. I had wished for some bacon or ham, but didn’t go to the super mart to stock them up yesterday night after work. It was hell of a day… anyway the tomatoes are fine, I never really ask for much during breakfast. And mostly I go without them. It’s just one of those mornings where you have got to have something in the tummy… and you know it’s going to be a tough day at work again.
“now… where are my keys?” the thought ran through my head, again. Sometimes I wonder if it has something to do with my age. I prefer keys to those electronic gadgets people use these days. It’s the jingle of the keys in my pocket… I love them. I opened the door and felt the cold seeping through every pore that they can find in my triply wrapped body. Pulled up my scarf, just in case it gets into my nose. It’s a blistering cold morning. Two days of snow, and its four inch deep already. I look at where my rose bush used to be. It’s all bare and white now… the snow flakes are still falling, slowly to the ground. It’s beautiful. It’s always beautiful in my town in winter. But the cold always remind me of autumn… fondly. But well, they all have their beauties.
Slowly I make my way to my office. It’s just down the street, a turn to the right. Maybe not office, should call it laboratory. Saw Ting from next door shoving the snow off her walkway. She never accepts my offers to help out every winter. She’s a lovely lady, a year or two younger than me. She treats those snow shoveling times as exercise. “Hi Ting! Lovely snowy morning isn’t it?” I smiled as I greeted her. She turned from her work and smiled. The cold had given her two rosy cheeks this morning. “Yup! Best time for exercise again!” She waved as I walked past and was back to her shoveling in a split second. Then I saw Tammy jogged pass me. She always amazes me with her tolerance of the cold. She had never failed once to jog every morning, even in winter. She is one hell of an athlete. After school she has theatre practices too. Sometimes I really wonder how she managed to find 48 hours a day. It’s as mysterious as she is herself. I briefly waved at her, and she smiled back. She has lovely eyes… she really does. Its one of those that really tells a story every time you looked at them. Even for five seconds…
I turned round the corner and saw my lab window. Fifth floor, second building on the left side of seventh street. I quicken my pace, crossed the road and got to the lift lobby. That’s the one of the things I like about winter. No traffic. And central heating, so that makes two. The security counter is empty again. Well, they always complain about theft and the occasional peeping tom, yet they aren’t willing to spend a little for security. Wonder why… and every staff gets peanuts here. Sometimes I really would love to work as the security officer here, if my research had not been so time consuming.
I saw Mr Tang at the lift lobby. He’s standing there talking softly into his cell. Must be his girlfriend again. He loved his girl so much, he always spend his spare time with her. And his own time. Sometimes I wonder if he has time for his own work. His partner at work is always missing. He’s my great pal, but well… I can’t interfere with his work. I just hope his work gets done on time. He gave me one of his trademarks “no choice” looks when I walked pass him. Stuck out my tongue and winked at him. And I managed a sniggle. Got a kick in the shin as a reward. Ha… what are pals for right?
First thing in my office… off came my jacket and scarf, then my mittens, and my snow cap. Got myself a hot cup of cocoa mixed with coffee. Creamy and perking. I got over to the next cubicle and saw Patrick typing furiously away at his computer. “hey… what’s the issue? And the hurry?” and he turned to me, showing me his semi concussed state. My goodness, he must have been working since the wee hours of the morning. Sometimes we do that, when things get really busy. I think he has a seminar paper or something like that to rush these days. I offered him my drink. He drank a sip and went back to his work. Patrick is a great guy. Real hardworking and smart. Sometimes I wonder why I don’t have even half his capabilities. Maybe that’s why I am just a research associate.
I walked into the testing room and saw TS. He was already doing some testing at this early hour. “hey, you know if I up the photonic emission to five hundred electron volts, will the substrate experience triple morphology?” he asked me immediately after my third step in the lab, even without turning his head from the computer screen. And that’s with his back to me. I am always amazed at how he recognizes who came in even without looking. And that’s one hell of a question to ask me, first thing in the morning. I took another sip at my coffee, and replied “you want some of my drink?” “take that funny concoction of yours out of my face! Ask you again, do you know if…” “I don’t know… at least not now…” my brains aren’t working yet… not this early. That triggered the 180 spin of his lab chair. I didn’t see his eyes. They were covered by his two middle fingers. “oppppsssss…..” and I made my exit.
That’s my partner in crime, TS.
We work on the same field of research under the same boss. Patrick’s also from the same research group, but he is our senior, and he earns more. Smart people… ha…
I zipped into the pantry and scanned through the cabinets. I looked at my own cabinet lastly. Some crackers, a few plastic cup that I taken from the cafeteria, a packet of instant noodles and some lollipops. I took out a strawberry flavored one and a chocolate flavored one. The strawberry one I’ll have for myself. The chocolate one is for pat. She loves chocolate. Chocolate biscuits, chocolate snacks, chocolate dips… and something we both like, dark chocolates. She’s often late for work though, so she isn’t in her cubicle yet. Work is calling, so I just left it on her table.
“click” and all my three screens are going… time for work…
一生中
今天早晨六点半，闹钟就响了起来。打了个电话，又回去睡了二十分钟。就在那二十分钟里，我作了个梦。我梦到了过世有五年的婆婆。她那时八十有七，而在我的梦中，则是她的九十九大寿。我看著父亲扶著她，一步一步的走。可是，在梦中，我可是很清楚，她已经过世了。慢慢的，我走到婆婆的面前，把她紧紧的抱在怀中。那时我也可以感觉到婆婆有多脆弱。她微微的对著我笑，一个充满温心，慈祥的笑容。眼泪有一时间掉落。眼泪就在那瞬间流了下来。这时我也醒了过来，我仍在流泪。
短短的十分钟，却比十年累积已久的感触深了许多。
想起婆婆从小对我的关怀，对我的宠爱，对我的付出。有如蓝天之高，有如大海之深。这时又想到在她临终之时，我也没好好的孝顺过她，做出孙子该做的一切。五年之后才懂得后悔，感觉道伤感，是否迟了些？
泪流成河也挽回不了，这时也后悔莫及了。
人有时就是如此。就在做出决定的那一刻，不管如何就是看不出自己做错了什么。就意味著自己是对的。年轻之时，做事也没考虑得周全与彻底。很多时候，就因如此会留下千古之恨。为何当初没好好的看清楚，才做出明智的选择。正所谓当局者迷，旁观者清，有时想对一切清清楚楚也不是一件易事。做错了决定，发现时难免会有后悔之意。可是，最重要的是，会不会从中学到教训和得到宝贵的经验。在未来，如果又遇到同样的情况，是否会作出真确的选择。还有错误带来的后果，如何面对，如何化解？这些人生的知识都是需要用宝贵的时间，岁月，精神和灵魂才能换回来的。在人生的喜怒哀乐中，得到做人的目标与意义。
在这人生路程里，会有很多不同角色的人出现。有的扶你一把，有的牵著你的手，有的踹你一脚，有的捅你一刀。有的在你心目中留下一个问号，有的在你心中留下一个句号。有的是你的精神寄托，有的是你的精神折磨。有些会在你心中留下美好的回忆，有些会在你心中留下了疤痕。最重要的是那些会和你一起写下一段永恒的故事，和你一起走完人生路程的人。
一生的朋友们，和心目中的爱人。
我也想有自己的爱人，在我的身边陪伴著，犹如我在她身边陪伴著她。一生照顾著她，因为我深知，她也会一生的照顾著我。我想抱著她，一起看著西边的日落。在宁静的夜里，与星星和月亮陪伴著她。在她熟睡之时，守护著她。就在她醒过来的那一刻献给她一个吻，在辉煌的日出之后和她开始另一个美好的一天。
给她最美好的一切，只要我办得到，我一定会全心全意去做。因为我只爱她一个人。
一生中一定有段轰轰烈烈的爱情。
如果没如此，犹如没爱过。
没爱过，犹如没活过。
errors n more errors
due to extensive mistakes in language and structure... the previous post has been removed for editing...
>>posted the edited entry after this one. if there are more errors do tell me guys. my written chinese is pretty bad, n yes i'm pretty ashamed of that. but i had really wanted to write those in chinese... in certain aspects.
>>>>and yes, i love chinese, i read chinese, i just flunk at writing them. and i m trying to improve it at times by reading more chinese stuff. chinese is a lovely language...
I'm gone
I like to tell people, go rest more, sleep more and don’t get yourself sick. Drink more water and eat more fruits.
I care for the people around me…
But I couldn’t care for myself…
It must have been something wrong that I did in my last life that I can never redeem. I can never sleep well at nights; I can never have a good quality rest. I wake up like a zombie everyday and drag myself out of bed.
‘Stay in bed’ did I hear you say? Well, I wish I could. My body won’t let me. It rather I am in a state of semi-consciousness than fresh throughout the day. It will never be weird to see me in the darkest shade of grey when I am alone, be it in the canteen drinking coffee or in the LT listening to a lecture.
I knew how tired I was yesterday… I fell asleep in a canteen right smack in the mid-afternoon. The cicadas are buzzing away, the sun was in its most mesmerizing mood, and there was a slight buzz of human activity. I was only awaken when the drilling nearby started.
This is my daily routine.
This is a curse.
I wish I can be there for everyone 24hours a day. And she was right, this is a promise that I can never make.
Because I’m human after all… a Life so Cursed…
I don’t get the rest I tell people to get,
I never sleep enough like I tell people to,
I don’t drink as much water as I knew I should,
I get sick faster than you can spell ‘Alakazam’,
And I always forget my fruits.
And that’s why I want to see others resting more, so they won’t end up like me.
I’m tired…
And I wish to see people happy. I want them to be happy. It’s always sad to see people around you, all sad and blue.
Over studies, over money, over friends and family, over relationships.
And seeing them making even perceived wrong decisions, that’s even worse…
I seen it, been through it, and seen it over and over again so many times.
Deju vu…
Words spoken are cheap. Its words from the Heart and Soul that really matters.
If you can’t keep a Promise, don’t make it. If you don’t feel Sorry, don’t say it.
These two words carry so much heartfelt meaning to it. And to see people degrading them to the lowest level of eternity…
I can’t bear to see it…
My Heart hurts, like a cleaver running through it…
My Soul weeps, like the torrential rain of autumn…
Just these two words, hurting so many Hearts and breaking so many Souls.
I’m tired…
The Brolly that shelters, I’ll carry,
The Journey You travel, I’ll ferry.
For others I do my utmost, for myself… it’s a mystery…
An Angel? Far from it…
For a reason? Yesh indeed… to see You happy… and every one of You…
I bear my Heart to where the Light shines bright.
My Soul will do whatever that’s right.
To relieve my Life from its fateful plight.
Thus so my Spirit can have a peaceful flight.
Be deliriously happy…
And open the Heart…
Cause if You haven’t tried, You haven’t lived…
I’m gone…
close...
If You are the Rain from Heaven, I want to be the wet Earth below,
To receive every single bit of You...
If You are the Mountain Stream, I want to be the River Valley,
To travel with You together to the sea...
If You are the Alpine Snow, I want to be the Mountain Peak,
To be by Your side every single moment...
If You are the Morning Sun, I want to be the Fluffy Cloud,
To watch over the World with You...
If You are the Northern Star, I want to be the Crimson Moon,
To light up the evening sky with You...
If You are ever cold and freezing, I want to be the thick wool jacket,
To warm Your body and warm Your Soul...
If You are ever sad and lonely, I want to be the plain cotton hanky,
To dry Your tears and take away Your sorrows...
If You ever know, I want to be there always,
To hold You tight and never let go...
Close to You...
lil notices
Rest well.
Sleep early.
Don't stress Yourself out.
Panda already still look Heavenly.
Sunglasses is for me, not You.
Be Happy.
Don't worry about super sizing.
We'll work hand in hand.
3am I haven't sleep yet!
FYP means
For Your Pleasure quickly
Finish Your Project and
F*** Your Professor! (maybe not... i'll take that back)
Well wishes all round.
24hours on call.
Boney shoulders and scrawny body for rent!
I see with my eyes and feel with my heart...
Every lady is pretty in their own unique ways.
Of glorious Sunflowers and cute Daisies.
Rest Rest Rest!!!
Work smart, play hard and open Your Heart...
