Surrealism - Anger and Frustration
“This is crazy… how many times must I repeat it?!”Madness all round… I crumpled up the log sheet that I had prepared for the experiment. “All Trash! These are all Trash!!!” as anger just well up in me. I have been frustrated for so long already. Three weeks ago, some champion had broken all my probe pins. Then they never stop the machine properly and never return it to its original position. I scratched my precious samples just because of their mistakes. Then the following week, the configuration of the machine had been changed and no one told us about it. I had thought all the good work that I’ve done is pretty interesting; kind of a new finding for our field of study. Then someone told us the configuration is all wrong! My goodness, it must have been the jinx of my group. Our entire group’s work had gone down the drain. Another two week’s of work gone... Today, I had been really meticulous with my work. I planned so well for the testings… and the samples screwed me up by dying at the most unearthly moment. And the other sample just kept on giving me multiple crazy results. I left the lab ‘early’, decided to end this miserable day.
It’s a crazy early morning. I knew it’s going to be all wrong when I couldn’t hear my alarm. Woke up sneezing… the cold of the winter is really giving me one hell of a time. And that was one plus hour before my designated time of awakening. Tried pulling my blanket over me… unfortunately the cold was faster then me. My lungs were screaming… I was in a semi-conscious state when I fell asleep again. When the actual wake up time came along, I heard a soft distant sound instead. Somehow, I had set the alarm to be pretty soft. It’s of one those days, you just knew, everything’s going to be way wrong…
I couldn’t find my mittens and scarf. “Where the hell are they? Where the HELL are they?!” the thought just kept on repeating in my mind. The last place I looked was my laundry basket. I had forgotten to wash them over the weekend… they had been soiled over the weekend when I went out for a walk by the frozen Carlisle River. Absent-mindedness seems to be settling in pretty well these days. Not much of a choice… I went off with my neck exposed and hands deeply in my winter jacket. I was really in a sorry state when I reached the lobby. I probably had the most unhappy aura around me. I saw Angeline at the lobby. Angeline is one of the sweet girls in the block. Seems like she is a little late like me, the only difference is, she is frequently late. Most of the time seeing her smiles can really lift my mood. But not today it seems. She gave me a smile; unfortunately I just couldn’t reciprocate it with a “Good Morning” or a smile. Firstly, there was nothing good about the morning at all, and secondly, it’s probably easier for me to kill someone then to smile at that moment. I had completely forgotten how to smile at that moment. A nod was all I managed, and I stood slightly behind her. Same happened in the lift. No words, no goodbyes exchanged when she left first. It’s definitely of those days.
First bad thing to happen… I got chased out of another department as their equipment owners are not there yet. All my planning for the work to be done, my schedules, my datelines… all gone down the drain. Following that is Patrick not reading him mails, further worsening the matter. So much for contingencies… then I saw Angeline again… is it some resentment I had for her deep in me that really made me behaved so, I aren’t sure too. I just felt the same uneasiness when I saw her again. It’s those ‘I just don’t feel like seeing her’ days. Oh well… some things in life can never be explained.
I looked at my list of contacts. Somehow not one had come into my mind as the person I’ll find to grumble about. I’ll probably find TS later in the day. He had gone off to do some other research preparations in another lab. Probably would rant to him on how things are going wrong. And he probably would tell me everything is about the same like this. Even Patrick couldn’t solve the problems I’m facing. The randomness of how research goes at times does frustrate people. But to face the tirade of smashed up pins, mis-configured machine, unreliable samples, plans screwing up, schedule tighten, dateline closing… its just like a dam waiting to burst.
Stared out of the window by the cafeteria. Slowly I sipped the coffee in my hands. And soon I slipped into stoning mode. Still as a rock I was, until someone broke that mental paralysis. She’s Snow, a bubbly and lively lady. She is a person who always intrigues me. She can be the most kiddish girl this moment and a mature thinking lady the other. And she is either overly happy or overly melancholic. An extreme person? Maybe… Oh yes, she is from the HR department. They need bubbly people like her to entice more poor research people like me in. packaging of the company is in their hands. She tapped me on the shoulders, and what greeted her was my cold and emotionless gaze. “Are you alone? Alright?” once again, all I can manage is a nod. No, there was an improvement. I managed a weak smile as well. She seems to know what I meant, “Take care!” and off she went to join her colleagues. I carried on my lifeless gaze into space…
I regained my consciousness when ZJ called out to me. We are supposed to be going to a seminar, and it’s almost about time already. “What’s wrong with you? You look so dazed.” I merely shrug my shoulders and walked off with him. “The research project? Things do get tough don’t they?” he said in the most matter-of-fact way. I managed another shrug of my shoulders. Halfway through the seminar I fell asleep. Not that I do that very often. In fact, I’ve almost never fell asleep in any seminars, no matter how boring it is. Probably this time round, with all the mental and physical stress, plus the mood, I couldn’t care any less.
“Hey, it’s over already.” ZJ woke me up. “You better head home… you look horrible. And you have that aura around you again. I can feel it.” I nodded… I grabbed my gear, and bought myself another scarf and pair of mittens in the shop by the building. I looked into the sky overhead. Its all dark and grey today, and not a single sight of falling snow. And not a single passerby on the street…
It’s an empty day… and it’s over…
posted by luxy @ 10:07 PM
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