Surrealism - Drowning the Past
“I’ll call you in a while k…”
I sat by the phone waiting for some time. Seconds, minutes and hours gone by and nothing was heard, except for the leaking tap dripping incessantly in the kitchen sink. The shroud of darkness crept into the room as evening beckons. I looked out from my room and see the overcast skies, waiting to unleash the pent up rain again. It has been rainy these days, nonstop…
A sign of sadness…
I sat down by the balcony, into the embrace of the chair that we bought together some time ago. It was meant to be a little corner where the two of us can just relax and read books and newspapers during the weekends, with a soothing cup of juice to chase away the heat in the hot summer days. A little sanctuary, with just the two of us…
Our little lovely haven…
A flick of my lighter, I lit up a cigarette and see the smothering end burn in the dark. A took a deep drag, and watch the smoke disperse slowly as I exhale. The two of us is just like the cloud that appeared… slowly disintegrating into nothing ever existed. I buried my face in my palms and I can feel the numbness in my soul. The downpour begins but I can feel warmth in my palms… from the tears that flowed from my crying eyes…
I crumbled as heaven cries for me…
Things have changed, I have to admit. She is no longer the princess that I have known ever since she came back. She has a life that is no longer integrated with mine. We are no longer in touch of each other’s life. And it doesn’t matter to her anymore whether I am concern or not. She is like a butterfly, finding a flower which complements her beauty more than mine. And so she left for someone else…
My wild guesses…
I sat up and pull myself off the chair. Closed my eyes… I set my mind on a recovery course. I see giant waves in my mind, engulfing all the thoughts that were splashing all over just now. Slowly every lingering and painful thought get washed away… but I am no immortal. The scar is deeply engraved into the core of my heart. Oh how it hurts…
I need a drink…
Slowly as I swallow the shot of whiskey. I feel the blood vessels dilating and heart pumping faster after every second. Reaching for the bottle, I poured myself another five shots. It was mechanical as I downed every single one of them. Feeling the clouding of my mind, slowly I drift into a state of semi-consciousness. The thoughts come in bits and patches… and none of them of happiness which I once tasted.
Drifting off…
The rain had stuttered into a slight drizzle that comes and goes when I woke up in the middle of the night. I can feel a slight shiver as the temperature drops and the cold wind blows. The cold damp air almost made me forget about the splitting headache resulting from the boozing. I pulled my crumbled state into the room, closer to the warm patches of my floor rug. I remembered having a horrible dream, of the two of us arguing over the phone. I was angry, and I was hurt… and I remembered slamming the phone to the ground… everything that I will do only in my dreams. I couldn’t bear to shout at her, scold her or even throw the phone with her over it. I only do them in my own dream world… all because of a pure blind love…
I recited to myself the poems that I’ve written to her…
‘They are beautiful, but don’t be like the stars…’
I couldn’t continue with the rest. I would need more drinks if I continue… I have to stop myself from this fall, before I spiral into a case of depression. I popped a couple of painkillers before heaving myself onto my sofa. I thought to myself, even the storm will pass, and the sun will shine again. I’ve got to pull myself out of this mess…
And I will…
Surrealism - Fear and Tear
“Miss you too…”
Those words kept on repeating in my heart, while I stand in front of her apartment in the rain. Those were the words before she left… the time when she left, was never the same as now. It is so different now, and I can feel it in every bit of my mind and soul…
It is so hard to believe…
Slowly my hand rose, gingerly as I press the bell. Heard in the distance is the ring. I can almost feel the emptiness of the house in my heart. I just stood there as rain splatters all over me. What is a few hours in the rain compared to the time that she has left my side? As the cold creeps under my coat, I can almost feel the world spinning around me.
For a moment, the world seems to have stopped…
I reached into my pocket, and I touched something that is so important… once. It left me pondering for a few moments. I knew I shouldn’t do it, but I just can’t control it. I pulled out the key into our… her apartment. Memories flashed through my mind in an instance. The emotions that it brought engulfed me as I felt a glister of tear forming at the corners of my eyes. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. But even that wasn’t enough to stop the trembling of my hands…
And the key fell from my hands…
I can almost feel the falling in slow motion. “Ting…” as the sound splits my thoughts. Is it that time has stopped, or is it the rain? I must have been dazed for some time… the rain has already toned down to a slight drizzle. A slight breeze is picking up… seemingly to blow away the lost thoughts in the wind. As I gain back my senses, I thought of the key that I had dropped and I looked down…
The key is there on the floor, and a familiar hand is picking it up…
Slowly I traced from the hand to the shoulders, and to the face… it is indeed her. The same captivating eyes that twinkles like the stars. The same smile that is as sweet as honey. And the same rosy cheeks that always remind me of the morning sun. But I was speechless… I have lost the words that I had all this time in my mind… I had so much to say, but in the end I left them in the back of my mind…
Lost in the midst of time that had gone long ago…
We stood there in the drizzle for a moment… in silence… somehow maybe she knew what I was here for, and what I was thinking. But she kept that smile on her face, giving a mixed sign… I wonder if I should just tell her how I am feeling these days. She told before not to keep feelings to myself. She told me before not to let these feelings get me down. She told me a lot of things… and I learnt a lot of things. She made my life so much different…
Life would never be the same if I hadn’t known her…
“You’ve been away for quite some time sweetie…” and that is all that I muster. Pathetic… maybe when it comes to her, I always have my tongue tied up. And I try to keep my words as careful as possible. I try not to make her irritated with my words. She once said how good I am at managing my words. But now…I have so much to say but…
What is happening…?
“Why are you so quiet?” she asked as she hands me the key. “I see that you never lose my key…” she flashed her smile again as she said that. ‘My key, not our key’ somehow I feel I read into her words more than she intended at times. And I know it can be a bad thing. Sometimes I think it is the factor that made me so stressed at times. But I feel stress because she matters to me…
More than many others things in life…
“I miss you sweetie…” the words leak out of my mouth… “Very much…” She looked at me with the tenderest expression… and gave me another smile. It melted my heart. I wonder what she meant by that this time round. Frankly I felt that I have lost all touch with her… once I had always known what are the things on her mind, what she is going to do next, what she is going to say…
But not anymore…
I missed the days where I would share an umbrella with her… wrapping my arms around her waist… having her tagging on my arm while we walk through the crowds in town… having her in my embrace in the silence of the night… feeding her off my fork during meals… kissing her goodnights…
Will it ever come back again?
Ever since she is back, she had been treating me coldly, or should I say that is how I felt. She never replied to my mails, never return my calls. And even when I managed to get her, we would just talk for a few minutes. Had absence made such a big difference? Am I sinking too much into this whirlpool that had appeared in my world? Sometimes I worry too much. But can I not worry, when she is the one who matters the most to me?
This I know for sure… I can’t…
I looked into her eyes, searching for those stars that I will love and cherish all my life. The message that I wish to see from those lovely eyes of hers seems to fade away every second I gazed. I can feel a pain… with each and every single beat of my heart. Droplets flow down my face. No, it isn’t rain… it is warm, the tear of my soul. I am falling apart.
Can she feel my heart again…?
